Before looking at the rest, keep things in proportion... "How can they say my life isn't a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?" Cindy Adams ----------------------------------------- Some quotes passed to me by Tom Carnduff: I had amnesia once -- or twice. ++++ Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. ++++ I am neither for nor against apathy. ++++ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. ++++ If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. ++++ The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ++++ How can there be self-help groups ? ++++ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ++++ Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? ----------------------------------------- Some quotes passed to me by Sue Stocking: One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ++++ A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ++++ Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ++++ A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ++++ Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ++++ A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ++++ Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. ----------------------------------------- Some quotes passed to me by Frank Mace: Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal ----------------------------------------- If Movies teach us anything....     1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.     2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.     3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.     4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.     5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.     6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.     7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.     8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.     9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.     10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.     11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.     12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.     13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.     14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.     15. All single women have a cat.     16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.     17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.     18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.     19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.     20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.     21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.     22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.     23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.     24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.     25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.     26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.     27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.     28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.     29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.     30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps ----------------------------------------- These quotes are ascribed to scientist Steven Wright. Passed to me by Sue Holt: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. OK, so what's the speed of dark? ...and the all time favorite If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? ----------------------------------------- The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. 9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole. ----------------------------------------- Some staff appraisal comments passed to me by Lynne Harris. Apparently these are actual quotes taken from Government Employee Performance evaluations. 1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this employee to breed. 3. This employee is really not so much of a has been, but more of a definite won't be. 4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 11. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. 13. I would like to go hunting with him sometime. 14. He's been working with glue too much. 15. He would argue with a signpost. 16. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. 17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 18. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. 19. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 23. He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 24. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 26. If you stand close enough to him, you'll hear the ocean. 27. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 28. One neuron short of a synapse. 29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he's only gargled. 30. Takes him two hours to watch 60-minutes. 31. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 32. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking. ----------------------------------------- When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the story of the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee: A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then pic ked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--- your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained , your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad! you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." ----------------------------------------- Some quips about men also passed to me by Lynne Harris: 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies. 2. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 3. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway. 4. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 5. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. 6. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. ----------------------------------------- On growing old (origin unknown) Now that I'm 78, I do trantric sex because it's very slow. My favourite position is the plumber - you stay in all day and nobody comes. - John Mortimer My sister Jackie is younger than me. We don't know quite by how much. - Joan Collins I exercise every morning without fail, Up down, up down, then the other eyelid. - Phyllis Diller I swim a lot. It's either that or buy a new golfball. - Bob Hope You gotta stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is!! - Ellen duGeneres With my sunglasses on I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them I'm fat & 60. - Jack Nicholson We spend our lives on the run. We get up, eat sleep by the clock, go to work and then retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock. - Dave Allen I no longer have upper arms. I have wing span. - Bette Middler Finlay Currie, shortly before he died was asked by a chat show host if he had ever played a romantic lead. "Not yet laddie, not yet", he replied. - Bob Monkhouse You're getting old when...I'm 42 round the chest, 52 around the waist, 92 around the golf course and a nuisance around the house. - Groucho Marx You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you are down there. - George Burns After 40, a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face and stay sitting down. - Barbara Cartland I can still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76, so it's no distance. - Bob Monkhouse I said to my husband, "My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone. Say something nice about my legs" He said "Blue goes with everything". - Joan Rivers One of the greatest pleasures in growing old is looking back at the people you didn't marry. - Elizabeth Taylor No pleasure is worth giving up for the sake of two more years in a geriatric home in Weston-super mare. - Kingsley Amis My mum said "I saw what's-her-name last week, Oh what's-is-name? I can never remember any thing these days. It's this damned anorexia." - Stephen Fry I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first to get that out of the way, then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you are too young, you get a gold watch. You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, party, you get ready for school. You become a kid you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend nine months floating ....and finish up as an orgasm. - George Carlin From Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother: Is it me, or are the pensioners getting younger these days? (Aged 100 presenting prizes at an old peoples' garden competition.) I keep a thermos flask of champagne. It's one of my little treats. There is all the difference in the world between the patient's meaning of the word 'comfortable' and the surgeon's. (After she was described as 'comfortable' after an operation.) ----------------------------------------- Some quips about engineers compiled by Denis Murphy, University of Glamorgan. 1. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." 2. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said," Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets. 5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" 6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." The second one said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" 7. Normal people believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet. 8. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool. ----------------------------------------- "The really nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise and is not preceded by long periods of worry and depression." Variously attributed to Dean Webb and Sir John Harvey Jones. ----------------------------------------- Some anonymous quotes (source unknown, sorry): Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted. Never test the depth of water with both feet. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away... ... and you have their shoes. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Never forget that, like everyone else, you are unique. There are two theories on how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on, life gets worse. ----------------------------------------- Via Rory F Purcell, Group Chief Engineer, Savoy Group of Hotels A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." ----------------------------------------- 24 things you should've learned by middle age! Posted onto www.hondavfrclub.org by "fudge" 1. If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out. 2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat. 5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Notes travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. ----------------------------------------- Entente cordial from Tom Carnduff Heaven is where: The police are British The mechanics are German The cooks are French The lovers are Italian The teenagers are Japanese The movie makers are American The musicians are Russian The women are Swedish And the whole thing is organized by the Swiss; Hell is where: The police are German The mechanics are French The cooks are British The lovers are Swiss The teenagers are American The movie makers are Japanese The musicians are Swedish The women are Russian And the whole thing is organized by the Italians... ----------------------------------------- Some quotes passed to me by Ginger Browning If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. If a man stands in the middle of a forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Is there another word for synonym? And whose cruel idea was is to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’? Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do ‘practice’!?! What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk? Why do they put Braille on drive-thru bank machines? Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? The best way to get even is to forget. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive! God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill: just add a little dirt. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being the right person. Being in the middle of the road is dangerous. You can get knocked down by the traffic from both ways. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet that the water bill is higher. And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE. ----------------------------------------- "The Bear" from Revd Dr Paul Morgan-Ayres & Mrs Carol Morgan-Ayres, Cardiff, Wales, UK An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all the beauty and wonder that had resulted from the Big Bang and subsequent evolution. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He glanced over his shoulder and saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so frightened that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him, raising his paw for the kill. At that instant he cried out "Oh God! Help me Jesus!" Just then, time stopped... The bear froze, the forest fell silent, the river even stopped flowing. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You've denied my existence all of these years. You've even questioned the intelligence of those who believe and trust in my Son, and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?" The atheist, proud as ever, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical of me to suddenly profess my love and loyalty after all these years. But could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Oh, very well," said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put his paw down. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food which I am about to receive" ----------------------------------------- Some quotes passed to me by Jack McCrack Why is the word "abbreviation" so long? (And why is the word "phonetic" not spelled with an "F"? DWF) If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? How do a fool and his money get together? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? How can you "draw a blank"? Why did the kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? ----------------------------------------- Some quotes passed to me by Rachel Farthing 1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. 6. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 7. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 8. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 9. Remember half the people you know are below average. 10. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. 12. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest. 13. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 14. When everything's coming your way, chances are that you're travelling in the wrong lane. 15. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 16. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 17. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 18. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 19. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 20. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 21. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 22. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 23. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 24. A clear conscience is often the sign of a bad memory. 25. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 26. Plan to be spontaneous----tomorrow. 27. Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an aeroplane. 28. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 29. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 30. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. ----------------------------------------- Elevated ideas compiled by Ursula K. Le Guin Things to Do In An Elevator... - When people get on, ask for their tickets. - When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. - Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. - Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Mike. How's your day been?" - Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say "that's mine!" - Push your floor button with your nose. - Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one. - Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough. ----------------------------------------- Some observations on marriage, passed on to me by Sylvia Alexander, Uni Ulster A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!" Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 10 grand. This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig." A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!" ----------------------------------------- Posted to the Diakrisis Mailing List: A group of scientists were sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need Him anymore. Finally, one of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God He was no longer needed. The scientist says to God, "God, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need You anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as You can see, we really don't need You." God nods understandingly and says, "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go, let's have a contest." The scientist says, "Sure, I'm all for it. What kind of contest?" "A man-making contest." "Sure! No problem," the scientist says. He bends down, picks up a handful of dirt and says, "Okay, I'm ready!" And God says: "No, no. You go get your own dirt." ----------------------------------------- Hymns of the Lukewarm Church suggested on the web site of Ebenezar Evangelical Church, Bristol Above Average is Thy Faithfulness Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name My Hope is Built on Nothing Much Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound Be Thou My Hobby O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing Oh, How I Like Jesus I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me I Surrender Some I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me Take My Life and Let Me Be There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus When Peace, Like a Trickle... Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize and one for Christmas... Self-esteem to the World! The Lord is Come ----------------------------------------- Some extracts from http://www.i2.i-2000.com/~nachonut/documents/manage.html For example: 1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner. 4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is good, He knows what she must do. 10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore. 13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are. 16) BUA MANAGEMENT (BY USING ABBREVIATIONS) This management style is ATRASACWOC. (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication) ----------------------------------------- From: bprreeng-l To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: BPRREENG-L digest 60 Date: 15 July 1995 09:45 It was so cold out that there were dogs frozen to trees. Dumb? - he thinks the English Channel is on cable TV! "Ever since I was a kid, I've always been a real deep thinker and stuff" Billy Ray Cyrus "They said Galileo was a fool. They said Einstein was a fool. They said the Wright Brothers were fools. What you've got to remember, however, is that they also said that about a lot of fools." The Laws of Thermodynamics, Paraphrased 1. You can not get anything without working for it. 2. The best you can ever hope for through working is breaking even. 3. You can only break even at absolute zero. "The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim" Edsgar W. Dijkstra The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Look out for number 1. Don't step in number 2 either. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. MAE WEST By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me. ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. DWIGHT D EISENHOWER If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. ALBERT EINSTEIN Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. JOSEPH FISCHER Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #1 The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #3 Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #5 The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system are the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #6 Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #7 All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise - which is impossible. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #8 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done. GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #9 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. GRAFFITI Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on... - Winston Churchill - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. Albert Einstein I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. Gallagher WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: BCDM04A@prodigy.com ( HARRY HEFLIN) Albert Einstein "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Unknown "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." Edward P. Tryon "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." Woody Allen "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." Douglas Adams "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." Rich Cook "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Fred Hoyle "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson) "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."